Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
