the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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