ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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