I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
