Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
