Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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