My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
