Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize