i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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