my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
