i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
