I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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