im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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