my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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