Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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