All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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