I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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