sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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