I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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