You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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