I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
