I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
