I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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