i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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