My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
