Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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