Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
