I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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