My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
