I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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