that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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