in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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