I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
