don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
