You smell like a Billy Joel song
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
