i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize