I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
