if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
