Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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