I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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