Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
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