Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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