maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
