i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
did i walk over a car last night?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
