i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
