Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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