i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
