and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
