Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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