2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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