Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
