Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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