Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
