God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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