If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
