i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
