we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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