Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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