Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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