Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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