Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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