It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She needs sedatives and a leash
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
